Divorce has often been described as a harrowing experience, especially when there are children involved. We need to acknowledge that we play such an important part in the lives of our children. They imitate our behavior and respond many times the way we do; therefore, how we speak and how we behave in their presence is very important. If we are going through a stressful period, or if we are grieving over someone, our children watch how we respond to these losses, and they mirror our actions when they are in similar circumstances. When we are going through a divorce and struggling with our own feelings of loss, our children, as well, experience the same insecurity, anxiety, fear and have the same concerns about the changes that a divorce presents to us, and possibly more.

When parents have decided to divorce, it is usually a decision that was carefully considered; however, in the “heat of the moment”, it is imperative that they behave positively toward each other. It is not easy to do this. It requires a great deal of tact and patience with one another. Do not forget that children watch and hear your every move. This is the reality. You are a very important part of their lives.

Remember: Your children will remember every word you say regarding this divorce for the rest of their lives. The most critical issues are how you approach the children and how you act with each other.  I am presenting some of the “do’s” and “don’ts” that parents should pay attention to while they are going through a divorce.

How to deal with children when their parents are in the divorce process?

• Explain to the children what a divorce means in an age-appropriate manner.
• Tell them why this is happening (Try to be as honest as possible.)
• Tell them how sorry you are for yourselves and for them
• Explain to them that when you were married you loved each other and hoped to live together for your whole lives.
• Tell them about all the dreams you had when you were married and how happy you were when the children were born.
• Tell them that this divorce is not their fault.
• Explain to them that they could not have caused and/or prevented this divorce.
• At different points throughout these discussions with the children, ask them if they have any questions.
• Give them permission to have their own feelings: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, or hurt. Ask them to speak with you about their feelings if they want to.
• Both parents are accepting the fact that no one is to blame.
• No matter what happens both of you will be their parents forever.
• Tell them that you both still love them and always will. (This cannot be emphasized enough.)
• Tell them that they will not have to choose between them.
• Do not argue around the children.
• Do not have the child become your “friend or confidante”, or have the child carry messages for you between parents.
• Do not speak badly about the other parent to the child.
• Have more than one discussion: do not feel that you have to say everything at once.
• Arrange for a smooth transition for the child, i.e. schedules, what they need to bring from one home to the other home, etc. by having a “open” and “reasonable” communication between both parents.
• Do not discuss finances in front of the children.
• Create a safe, loving and secure environment for the children, no matter where they live.
• Be aware that when children see strife between their parents, they will attempt to make peace between their parents, or they may take sides.
• When tension builds in a house, or when one parent will not leave the house, the stress on the children creates all sorts of conflict.
• Understand that children fear abandoning one parent, and they fear displeasing the other.
• Advise them that they can tell their friends. It is not a secret.
• Be specific about concrete issues as to what changes will result from your divorce. For Example: 
  • Living arrangements;
  • Will they have to move;
  • Will they lose their friends by moving;
  • Do they have to change schools;
  • How will the divorce affect them economically;
  • Vacations and holidays;
  • Sport activities and schedules;
  • How you both will make arrangements to spend time with them.

Finally, take responsibility by being involved in your children’s lives: for example,

• be active in finding out when parent teacher conferences are by calling the school, rather than relying on your child to gather the information;
• request from your child’s coach directly the schedule of games and practices;
• gather contact information of their friends, etc.

These ideas may seem overwhelming, as a whole; however, when looked at in parts and when you slowly and gradually approach each of these issues with each other and the children, you will make the changes and transitions that result from divorce less difficult. Also, when the above points are discussed with the children, the parents should consider being together, unless the animosity between the parents is too great. The children should be together during your initial discussions; however, you should offer them the opportunity to speak with you individually to discuss their concerns during the period prior to, during and/or, after the divorce.